The proverbial moment of decision on which the real purpose of the whole story hinges on is here in this chapter of the story. All I have learned prior are turning out to be more than was summarized in those books. Looking back now, I think I would have rubbed minds directly with the authors to have a firsthand knowledge of what they went through, how they held on (if they did) who/what changed their minds and convinced them to stay the course, plus, when did it all change and when did they notice it?
I know I have written in earlier times that I have reached the lowest ebb, but the definition keeps getting redefined for me and the record keeps being broken by none other than yours truly.
For years, I have pride myself in my ability to choose to do something and stick with it, unwavering. Of late, it seems every decision I have ever made is being revisited and my determination does not seem to be able to help, it may be nothing, but no, it is definitely everything. If my determination has shown me one thing, it is that it is completely useless in the face of invisible/intangible matters.
I can determine not to eat, and that can work, until my body can no longer do without. However, for more intangible things like thoughts and physiological responses seem intense and overwhelming for all of 150 – 300 seconds after which a ton of head-bowing and raw feelings have their field day. It is obvious who is in charge, the rudder has gone completely out of control and no matter how skilled or emotionally intelligent you get, it will take something/someone beyond you to help you take back the reigns of power and steer your life back on track.You are very special; hence the problems/oppositions you will face are of equal magnitude. All you have to do is recognize you need help, and then ask for it. Also, you need to stop digging your own grave. Continuing to feed your vices, you increase the recovery time.