It is very easy for me to change my mind, based on prevailing circumstances, so as to minimize exposure/vulnerability. However, it appears He is always in love with me and all the junk I have allowed into the room of my heart have blocked the ray of God's love from illuminating my heart and thus, the warmth I have been accustomed to is glaringly missing, hence, the gloom, depression, constant feeling of loneliness and lone-ranger attitude while maintaining the outward appearance of keeping it together all the while feeling like crap every day.Someone said “loneliness is not a loss of someone, but a loss of direction and vision for your life” I couldn't have put it better myself, we are usually tunnel-vision-minded that we pay so much attention to the physical that we ignore the most important and yet invisible parts of our lives. A saying goes thus “the most important things in life are free”, and while you may find reasons to dispute it, the fact remains, you can’t see love, hope, joy, and the like physically, but you do feel their effects.
Forgiveness, just like Love, has definitions to varying degrees or like an onion—layers. I always thought I had the forgiveness thing locked down, yeah right! Just like the proverbial out of the blue, it hit me that I had just erased that part from memory and decided the type of forgiveness I wanted to extend. I found out that I couldn’t (or at least that’s what I had subconsciously agreed) go back if I had the chance. On my way home, it became evident that this sealed can of worms had been in the basement and it is already stinking. It took an interviewer’s probing questions for me to shed light on that chapter in my life’s story. Forgiveness is absolute, but just like everything else, we make it relative and as such varying standards abound. This means what I call forgiveness may not cut it for someone else. While my version of forgiveness may be shallow and warped, yours may be brutally honest. Ultimately, we are responsible for our versions of forgiveness, while it is in our best